WHY YOU SHOULD STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS AND WHEN TO DO SO
Benefits of Comparing
I do think that 'some' elements comparison have its place in our lives. For example, when we compare for…
- Diversity. To get a different perspective. E.g., when you compare your culture with others’ cultures to understand differences in norms.
- Benchmarking. To know the standards and what you should aim for. E.g., when you start on a new job and you compare your pay with others’ starting pays to know where you stand.
- Ideas. To use what others are doing as stimuli for ideas; for brainstorming purposes. E.g., when you write a new book and you refer to other authors’ books for ideas on what to base your book on.
- Innovation. To know what are the norms so you can deliver better results. E.g., when you want to deliver a breakthrough service and you compare existing services in the market to know where everyone stands.
- Betterment. To better ourselves. E.g., when you compare your work with others’ work to learn from each other’s areas of strength and your areas of improvement.
- Modeling. To get the fastest progress in the shortest amount of time (often used in business and performance-related goals). E.g., when you start a new business and you model your business after the best-in-class company so you can grow it quickly.
Comparing proves to be incredibly useful in each of the examples
above. I personally make frequent comparisons with those intentions in
mind. In particular, benchmarking and modeling are things I do often in
growing PE and my business.
When Comparing Loses Its Place
However, there are times when comparing has little role to play.
For example, when you compare for the sake of comparing; when you
refer to others’ lives as standards to mold your life to; when you
change yourself just to conform to what others are doing; when you
expect people around you to behave in ways others do, without regard for
their individual personalities.
I think in these cases, comparing is moot because everyone is different and there is no point in trying to make comparisons.
For example: comparing an apple with an orange. I mean, come on!
An apple is an apple; an orange is an orange. Both are awesome fruits.
Why do you want to compare them for? Why would you want to try to stack
them against each other and try to make any semblance of a comparison
between them? That’s just missing the point altogether!
The orange is looking at you and saying, “Yo, don’t compare me with da apple, dude.”
Likewise, you are different from everyone else. Unique in your own
special way. Trying to draw comparisons between you, your life, your
friends, your family, your partner, your kids even, with everyone
else’s, is moot. You might get some insights here and there, but
ultimately there is little point in trying to draw comparisons between
them.
How To Stop Comparing: 3 Important Steps
Step 1: Know Yourself and What You Stand For
It's about respecting yourself and who you stand for. The “ability” to say no is merely a result of knowing yourself.
It’s somewhat similar here, in that the “ability” to stop comparing is the result of
how you feel about yourself and your life today. If you have an
incessant need to compare yourself with others, and you can’t seem to
stop yourself from doing so, it suggests you are probably insecure or unsure about yourself (or that area of your life which you are comparing with others).
Example: Comparing with Others’ Blogs / Sites
For example, for a while in the past, I would compare my blog with
others’ blogs, namely in terms of traffic size, audience engagement, and
subscriber base. To me, my success was based on my blog size relative
to others’ blog sizes. So if my blog was larger than others, it meant I
was doing well. If it wasn’t, it meant I wasn’t doing well and I needed
to buck up.
Sometimes, these comparisons were deliberate, in that I intentionally
compared my site performance with others’. This was usually so when I
was working on traffic building plans.
Other times, they were instinctive reactions, in that I would
instinctively make comparisons when I came across the blogs, websites,
and video channels of certain online personalities.
While done with good intentions (in the name of betterment), these
comparisons mostly proved to be unconstructive for me. It would make me
feel demotivated whenever I saw others with blogs, websites, or channels
that were larger than mine, because it made me feel like I was doing
something wrong. It would also make me feel panicky, apprehensive, and doubtful about my place in life.
After a while, I realized that I was making such comparisons because I
wasn’t confident about my blog’s success, which was in turn due to the
erroneous way I had based my blog’s success on. I had based it on its
performance relative to other people’s blogs, when I should be basing it
on internal metrics.
After all, there will always be a blog that is larger than
mine. To quote a popular Chinese saying, “For every high mountain, there
will always be a higher mountain elsewhere.” It’s perfectly fine, even
good, to refer to others’ blogs as benchmarks for my blog’s growth, but
it’s pointless to base my success based on how others do.
If your comparison behavior is due to insecurity or a lack of
confidence in yourself or in that area of comparison, you should build
your self-confidence or your confidence that area, versus continually
making comparisons with others (since the comparisons will never end).
Step 2: Recognize Everyone and Everyone’s Life is Unique
Next, recognize that everyone is unique. That
includes you, your neighbor, your brother/sister, your mom, your dad,
your friends (every single one of them), your partner, your manager,
your colleagues (again, every single one of them), and even that
stranger out on the street.
Hence, there is little point in trying to compare yourself with other
people, especially in areas that are not comparable to begin with. That
includes areas like your life, your goals, your values, your height,
your weight, your race, your body, your looks/beauty, your idiosyncrasies, and so on.
Meaning, if you are 167cm tall, embrace your height, rather than wish
you were taller or shorter like X person or X celebrity. If you have
dark skin with freckles, embrace it, rather than wish you had lighter
skin with no freckles. If you have a pear-shaped body and an over-shaped
face, embrace them, rather than wish you have a different body and a
different face shape.
Besides recognizing the uniqueness of each person, recognize that everyone’s life is unique.
There is no point in comparing yourself or your life with other
people’s lives, because each of us has our unique life path that is ours
to create and ours to follow. There is no need to feel compelled to
live a life that is just like someone else’s, because you are different
from that person. Embrace and celebrate the uniqueness and differences
between everyone.
Step 3: Focus on Being the Best Version of Yourself
Last but not least, focus on being the best version of yourself.
“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” ~ Judy Garland
It is good to refer to others as benchmarks of excellence, especially
when they are doing well in the goals which you want to pursue.
However, know that your end objective
here is to create your unique life path and excel in your own shoes—not
to be a replica of someone else. Feel free to let yourself be inspired
by others, but don’t lose yourself in the fascination.
Ultimately, your biggest, and only, source of competition in life is yourself.
Firstly, there is a limit to the kind of competition others can
provide to you, since they may not be good in all the things you can do.
On the other hand, you are a source of unlimited competition for
yourself, since you are literally an improved version of yourself with
each passing second.
Secondly, as Ernest Hemingway said above, there is nothing great
about being superior to others; what’s great is when you surpass
yourself and your limits. Rather than strive to supersede others, strive
to supersede yourself. Create a tracking sheet with metrics of your
goals, and measure your progress over time. Aim to outdo yourself every
step of the way. That’s what it means to be excellent.
Final Words
Enforce those three tips and you will find that you will naturally stop making comparisons between yourself and others.
Do you have any experiences with making comparisons in your life? How
can you apply the three tips above? Feel free to share them in the
comments section.
