The Five Powers of Permission

Old styles of leadership are about giving permission to supplicants. Followers seek permission. It’s an “I/you” rather than “we” dynamic. Leaders have power while followers ask.
I/you leadership is disengaging and disempowering.
Successful leaders do more than give permission, they get it. Permission answers the question, “Is it ok with you if we talk about something?”
Five Powers of Permission:

1.  “May I …” builds trust.
2. “Would it be ok if …” shares power.
3. “Do you mind if …” equalizes social status.
4. “Could we discuss…” prevents stagnation. Permission moves the agenda forward when topics are awkward.
5. “Is it ok with you, if…” engages.

Permission opens doors, protects relationships, and prevents stagnation.

Ask permission to:

1. Bring up uncomfortable topics. Set a date for the conversation.
2. Explore progress.
3. Correct. “May I …”
4. Challenge.
5. Give feedback.
6. Say what you see. “Is it ok if I share something I see …”

Four responses to NO:
When permission isn’t granted? Ask:

1. How business-critical is the topic?
2. Is there a deeper issue to address?
3. Can you let it go?
4. Must you address it, regardless?

When topics are mission critical, say, “We need to talk about this soon.”
Just a courtesy:
Isn’t asking permission just social courtesy? Yes, sometimes it is. But, social courtesies smooth and protect. Perhaps you prefer to be discourteous and abrasive?
Four reasons leaders don’t ask permission:

1. Arrogance. It’s too humbling to ask and too easy to tell.
2. Fear of seeming weak.
3. Fear of losing power.
4. Authoritarian rather than relational leadership styles.

What does permission-leadership look like in your world?

Igniting Change from the Middle

Passion for positive change drives people crazy, especially those in the middle of organizations.
People at the bottom go along to get along. They won’t change until they’re sure top leadership supports change.
But, what if those at the top fear change?

The passionate-middle feels paralyzed by lack of interest or support from top leadership.
Igniting change:

1. Act before talking. Model the way. Do what you hope others will do.
2. Don’t ask do. Push the edges of your authority and responsibility. Don’t wait for permission.
3. Don’t tell. Stop telling those over you what they should do. They resist when they feel pushed. Do it yourself.

The fearful-top are followers.

The fearful-top won’t lead change because they fear losing what they have. They embrace change after you make it work. That’s not all bad.

Frustration:
Thinking frustrates the passionate-middle. The formula for frustration is, thinking about what could be combined with fearful-leaders.

Fearing your leaders makes you the fearful-middle.

Follow positive passion:
Find ways of thinking that enthuse rather than frustrate. Peruse behaviors that bring joy. The path grows darker if you can’t find ways to enjoy it.

What would you enjoy doing, next?

All or nothing:
Never allow what you can’t do obscure what you can.
Affirm:
Make a hero every time you see behaviors that create the preferred future. You can’t celebrate too much.
The right leaders:
Spend time with those passionate about change. Stop focusing on foot draggers.
Congratulations:
Never forget, the “passionate-middle” is a treasure to any organization. Where would they be without you? Don’t give up.

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High Performer or High Potential

All leaders always keep watch for high performers they can move into greater responsibilities. You’re a lousy leader who may succeed in the short-term but fail in the end, if you don’t.

Real leader want to make more leaders.

Seduction:
Passion to develop great teams seduces leaders into hoping high performers are high potentials. But…

All high performers are not high potentials.

They’re just great at their jobs. Moving them into management or leadership is disastrous.
Shift:
They might be great at their job but if they can’t shift toward helping others be great at their jobs, they’re not high potentials. They’re high performers.
Everyone can and must achieve results. But, when it comes to high potentials:

Don’t tell me what they can do.
Tell me what they can do through others.

First indications:
Mike Howard, Chief Security Officer at Microsoft, included how he identifies high potentials.
Mike says he looks for people with initiative. High potentials have ideas but more than that they say, “Do you mind if I run with this idea?”
Identify:
High potential only begins with performance. The real issue is future performance. What can they become? Mike said, “At Microsoft we ask..:

1. Can they see the big picture?
2. Have they expressed interested in assuming more responsibility?
3. Do they have good performance reviews?
4. Are they recommended by their manager?
5. What is their reputation in terms of people skills?

Matters most:
High performance matters. But…

Performance doesn’t matter if their people skills suck.

All high potentials – future leaders and managers – are great with people. Or, they’re willing, eager, and able to learn.
Matters:
High potentials are:

1. Curious.
2. Comfortable in their own skin.
3. Open.
4. Listeners.
5. Intelligent.
6. Collaborators.

The 12 Toughest Challenges of Leadership

The challenges of leadership are inside leaders. Stop blaming organizations and others for your shortfalls and failures.

Take the bull by the horns.
You are the bull.

The 12 Toughest Challenges of Leadership:

1. Humility during success.
2. Confidence during setbacks.
3. Stepping back so others can step up.
4. Putting plans into action – Follow through. Experience shows up to 90 percent of strategic plans never achieve execution.
5. Leading change. Leaders don’t just do things, they change things.
6. Admitting mistakes. Self-awareness and honesty are essential to saying, “I was wrong.” 
7. Listening with the goal of learning.
8. Encouraging constructive dissent.
9. Learning from criticism.
10. Asking for feedback.
11. Maintaining focus on the future.
12. Building the team.

Situational or not:
Leadership challenges always involve changing situations. You, however, are the common factor. Your ability to lead yourself is your greatest ability. Situations come and go but you are always there.
Number 12:
Leading yourself to build the team is the leadership challenge that produces the most fruit. Success depends on your ability to attract, develop, and retain top talent.
How to spot top talent?
Top talent wants to:

1. Know where you are going so they can find alignment or not. Tell them the goal?
2. Develop plans with you. Once they align with the goal, don’t give them the plan, develop it with them. Top talent wants a hand in making plans.
3. Make meaningful contribution. They ask, “Where do I fit in?” They need meaningful contribution. Drifting isn’t enough.
4. Work with others. Lone Rangers have a place but never on great teams.
5. Rise to challenges.

Key qualities:
Determine the nonnegotiable qualities you expect from your team members. Go with their strengths; compensate for their weaknesses.

Finding Your Future Failure

Fear holds you back like a snare. Once you’re caught, pulling away only tightens the grip. Preparation prevents reaction. Prepare for future failures so you won’t end up caught in the snare of fear.

“One way to combat our fears is to hit them head-on.”
Soren Kaplan in Leapfrogging

The author Kaplan offers a “finding your future failures” strategy in his book, Leapfrogging.

Kaplan on exploring your biggest possible failure:

1. What does your most disastrous scenario look like?
2. What impact would this worst-case scenario have on individuals, teams, the organization, customers, …
3. What would be the short-term impact on you personally? Long-term impact?
4. What would you personally feel or experience?
5. How could you rebound from this failure?
6. What would you do next?
7. In what way could the failure be used as a stepping-stone?

Step back after exploring:

1. What insights have you gained?
2. What new alternatives or options opened up?
3. Did any of your assumptions or feelings about failure change?

Controlling:

Focus on what you control;
identify, understand and prepare for what you can’t.

Kaplan suggests the source of most of our fear is a feeling of lack of control. Divide a sheet of paper down the middle. Create a bulleted list of items you control and things you cannot control. Explore, evaluate, prioritize, and consider the impact of each item.
I love focusing on positive vision rather than possible failures. But, exploring possible failures before they occur helps free me from the snare of fearing failure.

Handling Co-Worker Complaints and Backstabbing

Here’s a question from a recent workshop participant. “How do you handle someone complaining about a co-worker?”
First, you want people to come to you. Some managers want challenges, problems, and people to go away. They hide in their offices, sneak to the elevator, or duck into the restroom to avoid facing tough conversations.
Suggestions for dealing with co-worker complaints:

1. Ask the complainer, “What can you do to solve this?” Some complainers want you to solve their problem. That’s a last resort. Savior-managers create irresponsible employees.
2. The complainer may say, “I don’t know what I can do.” Say, “Why don’t you come back this afternoon with some ideas?”
3. Develop a strategy to deal with the issue. If you can’t, try number four.
4. Invite the person being complained about to a meeting to discuss the issue. You’ll be surprised that issues have several sides.
5. Focus on issues and performance rather than personalities, unless personality is the problem.
6. Take small steps in positive directions, don’t expect giant leaps. Identify observable behaviors. If you can’t see it, you can’t measure it.
7. Follow up. “Let’s get together in two weeks to follow up.”

More suggestions:

1. Withhold judgment.
2. Never take sides.
3. Clarify, is it personal or performance. It’s often personal.
4. Warning, backstabbers are masters at seeming helpful while being destructive.

Bonus tip: When you bring the two parties together and one of them had no idea there was a problem, you’re dealing with a backstabber. Excuse the one who’s in the dark and deal with the real issue.
Most importantly:

Deal with interpersonal tensions
because relationships are worth it.

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WHY YOU SHOULD STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS AND WHEN TO DO SO

Benefits of Comparing

I do think that 'some' elements comparison have its place in our lives. For example, when we compare for…

1. Diversity. To get a different perspective. E.g., when you compare your culture with others’ cultures to understand differences in norms.
2. Benchmarking. To know the standards and what you should aim for. E.g., when you start on a new job and you compare your pay with others’ starting pays to know where you stand.
3. Ideas. To use what others are doing as stimuli for ideas; for brainstorming purposes. E.g., when you write a new book and you refer to other authors’ books for ideas on what to base your book on.
4. Innovation. To know what are the norms so you can deliver better results. E.g., when you want to deliver a breakthrough service and you compare existing services in the market to know where everyone stands.
5. Betterment. To better ourselves. E.g., when you compare your work with others’ work to learn from each other’s areas of strength and your areas of improvement.
6. Modeling. To get the fastest progress in the shortest amount of time (often used in business and performance-related goals). E.g., when you start a new business and you model your business after the best-in-class company so you can grow it quickly.

Comparing proves to be incredibly useful in each of the examples above. I personally make frequent comparisons with those intentions in mind. In particular, benchmarking and modeling are things I do often in growing PE and my business.

When Comparing Loses Its Place

However, there are times when comparing has little role to play.

For example, when you compare for the sake of comparing; when you refer to others’ lives as standards to mold your life to; when you change yourself just to conform to what others are doing; when you expect people around you to behave in ways others do, without regard for their individual personalities.

I think in these cases, comparing is moot because everyone is different and there is no point in trying to make comparisons.

For example: comparing an apple with an orange. I mean, come on! An apple is an apple; an orange is an orange. Both are awesome fruits. Why do you want to compare them for? Why would you want to try to stack them against each other and try to make any semblance of a comparison between them? That’s just missing the point altogether!

The orange is looking at you and saying, “Yo, don’t compare me with da apple, dude.”

Likewise, you are different from everyone else. Unique in your own special way. Trying to draw comparisons between you, your life, your friends, your family, your partner, your kids even, with everyone else’s, is moot. You might get some insights here and there, but ultimately there is little point in trying to draw comparisons between them.

How To Stop Comparing: 3 Important Steps

Step 1: Know Yourself and What You Stand For

It's about respecting yourself and who you stand for. The “ability” to say no is merely a result of knowing yourself.

It’s somewhat similar here, in that the “ability” to stop comparing is the result of how you feel about yourself and your life today. If you have an incessant need to compare yourself with others, and you can’t seem to stop yourself from doing so, it suggests you are probably insecure or unsure about yourself (or that area of your life which you are comparing with others).

Example: Comparing with Others’ Blogs / Sites

For example, for a while in the past, I would compare my blog with others’ blogs, namely in terms of traffic size, audience engagement, and subscriber base. To me, my success was based on my blog size relative to others’ blog sizes. So if my blog was larger than others, it meant I was doing well. If it wasn’t, it meant I wasn’t doing well and I needed to buck up.

Sometimes, these comparisons were deliberate, in that I intentionally compared my site performance with others’. This was usually so when I was working on traffic building plans. Other times, they were instinctive reactions, in that I would instinctively make comparisons when I came across the blogs, websites, and video channels of certain online personalities.

While done with good intentions (in the name of betterment), these comparisons mostly proved to be unconstructive for me. It would make me feel demotivated whenever I saw others with blogs, websites, or channels that were larger than mine, because it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. It would also make me feel panicky, apprehensive, and doubtful about my place in life.

After a while, I realized that I was making such comparisons because I wasn’t confident about my blog’s success, which was in turn due to the erroneous way I had based my blog’s success on. I had based it on its performance relative to other people’s blogs, when I should be basing it on internal metrics.

After all, there will always be a blog that is larger than mine. To quote a popular Chinese saying, “For every high mountain, there will always be a higher mountain elsewhere.” It’s perfectly fine, even good, to refer to others’ blogs as benchmarks for my blog’s growth, but it’s pointless to base my success based on how others do.

If your comparison behavior is due to insecurity or a lack of confidence in yourself or in that area of comparison, you should build your self-confidence or your confidence that area, versus continually making comparisons with others (since the comparisons will never end). 

Step 2: Recognize Everyone and Everyone’s Life is Unique

Next, recognize that everyone is unique. That includes you, your neighbor, your brother/sister, your mom, your dad, your friends (every single one of them), your partner, your manager, your colleagues (again, every single one of them), and even that stranger out on the street.

Hence, there is little point in trying to compare yourself with other people, especially in areas that are not comparable to begin with. That includes areas like your life, your goals, your values, your height, your weight, your race, your body, your looks/beauty, your idiosyncrasies, and so on.

Meaning, if you are 167cm tall, embrace your height, rather than wish you were taller or shorter like X person or X celebrity. If you have dark skin with freckles, embrace it, rather than wish you had lighter skin with no freckles. If you have a pear-shaped body and an over-shaped face, embrace them, rather than wish you have a different body and a different face shape.

Besides recognizing the uniqueness of each person, recognize that everyone’s life is unique. There is no point in comparing yourself or your life with other people’s lives, because each of us has our unique life path that is ours to create and ours to follow. There is no need to feel compelled to live a life that is just like someone else’s, because you are different from that person. Embrace and celebrate the uniqueness and differences between everyone.

Step 3: Focus on Being the Best Version of Yourself

Last but not least, focus on being the best version of yourself.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” ~ Judy Garland 

It is good to refer to others as benchmarks of excellence, especially when they are doing well in the goals which you want to pursue. However, know that your end objective here is to create your unique life path and excel in your own shoes—not to be a replica of someone else. Feel free to let yourself be inspired by others, but don’t lose yourself in the fascination.

Ultimately, your biggest, and only, source of competition in life is yourself.

Firstly, there is a limit to the kind of competition others can provide to you, since they may not be good in all the things you can do. On the other hand, you are a source of unlimited competition for yourself, since you are literally an improved version of yourself with each passing second.

Secondly, as Ernest Hemingway said above, there is nothing great about being superior to others; what’s great is when you surpass yourself and your limits. Rather than strive to supersede others, strive to supersede yourself. Create a tracking sheet with metrics of your goals, and measure your progress over time. Aim to outdo yourself every step of the way. That’s what it means to be excellent.

Final Words

Enforce those three tips and you will find that you will naturally stop making comparisons between yourself and others.

Do you have any experiences with making comparisons in your life? How can you apply the three tips above? Feel free to share them in the comments section.

Stop Barking up the Wrong Tree

Leaders who work to extend their influence
are barking up the wrong tree.

John Maxwell said, “Leadership is influence.” But, gaining influence isn’t about working to get it; it’s about connecting. Stop worrying about influence; start connecting.

Who enjoys the power to influence?

1. Respected people.
2. Skillful people.
3. Famous people.
4. People with position.
5. ???

But there’s more:

Connection enhances influence. People you influence feel connected to you – the deeper the connection the greater the influence.

New focus:

The new focus of leadership is on connecting.

Connecting tips:

1. Walk toward people.
2. Share yourself. Be transparent.
3. Speak to values, fears, hopes, and aspirations.
4. Give.
5. Understand and serve their best interest.
6. Talk less – listen more.
7. Remember names.
8. Praise and thank.
9. Move first – serve first.
10. ???

Connect with intent:

Avoid connecting for the sake of connecting. Connect with purpose. Connect to open channels that enable giving. Earn the right to be heard then enhance the success of others.

If leadership is influence, influence is about connecting.

How To Make Life’s Biggest Decisions (or Any Decision for that Matter)

Biggest Decision I’ve Ever Had To Make (To Date)

The biggest decision I’ve ever had to make (to date) would be when I quit my day job to pursue my passion. While I’ve faced some conflicting and ambiguous situations before, none of them were as close to my heart as this one.

Unlike what most people grapple with, my decision was not between (a) staying on in my day job and (b) pursuing my passion. There was no doubt to me that I should pursue my passion. This was something I knew I wanted to do since several years ago.

The decision was between (a) quitting right away to do what I love and (b) working for another one to two years (or more) before quitting so I could rake up more savings. The first option would bring me fulfillment because I would get to pursue my passion right away. The second one would put me in a calmer state of mind regarding my financial situation.

Initially I was unable to decide because both options had their pros and cons. Each one would aid me in some manner with regards to pursuing my passion. Each one would benefit me in some way. It was hard to choose one over another.

It was when I took a different tact to the problem that the answer unveiled itself to me. This is the first method I’d like to share with you, which I call the Fast Forwarding Method.

Method #1: Fast Forward to the Future

While I was contemplating over the decision, I mentally fast forwarded myself to one to two years into the future, as a thought experiment. Then, I asked myself which path I would want to be living in.

When I did that, the answer hit me like a speeding bullet: “Quit right away and start pursuing my passion.” There was not even a moment of hesitation or doubt in my mind. It was very clear what I needed to do. Quit right away, now.

Reason being that even if I was to pursue my passion and make little progress after one year, two years, or even three years, it would still be more progress than if I was to continue working in my day job. Every extra day I stayed on at my day job meant that I was delaying the pursuit of my passion by another day, and subsequently delaying the realization of my ideal vision.

In fact, the further I fast forwarded myself into the future, the clearer my answer was. One year into the future? “Yes, I should definitely quit now and pursue my passion.” Three years into the future? “I can’t even believe I was conflicted about this decision. It’s so obvious that I should just quit. ” Five years into the future? “What am I even contemplating about?? This job has no role in my long-term vision of my life. Hurry up and quit now!!”

By adopting a future perspective, it removed me from my present situation, which helped me to evaluate the decision more consciously. What might have seemed crucial from a three to six month time frame melted away when I looked at the situation from a 1-, 3-, and 5-year point of view. I was able to see what were the things that really mattered vs. the things that might seem important in the short term but did not matter in the long run.

Exercise #1: Apply the Fast Forwarding Method

Now, I’d like you to put this method into action.

1. Consider a decision you are facing right now. It can be a small or big decision. It can be regarding your friends, your love life, your career, your business, your health, and so on.
2. What are the main options you are considering with respect to this decision? Write them down.

Now that you are done, review the following steps:

1. Mentally fast forward yourself to one year into the future.
2. How would your life be like in each option? Be as detailed as possible.
3. Which option would you want to be living in 1 year into the future? Why?

(If you want, redo the exercise with two different time frames: (b) Three years (c) Five years. You should get the same answer. If not, try to understand why.)

Example #1: Fast Forwarding in Action

Perhaps you are contemplating over a career move right now. You are considering between Option A, to continue in your day job which you aren’t crazy about, and Option B, to start your business. You intuitively know Option B is the best path for you, but you’re fearful of the downsides it might bring (such as temporary loss of income, initial challenges faced when creating a new start-up, and so on).

By using the Fast Forwarding Method, you can immediately see how your life would be like if you go with Option A (continue your day job), as compared to Option B (start your business).

When you look at how your life would be like 1 year into Option B, you might realize that the situation isn’t as bad as you thought it would be. While starting your business would come with some challenges, they are only temporary and short-term. Nothing that hard work, persistence, and proper strategy can’t fix. The income loss from quitting your job would only temporary, since you would be earning money once you make some headway with your business.

On the other hand, 1 year into Option A and the downsides of choosing your job over your business becomes apparent. You can instantly feel the weary of having to work in a job you don’t love for another year. It’s such a dreadful feeling seeing that your business is still on hold after one year. And you feel regret for the 1 year of your life that you just wasted for not doing what you love.

It’s clear what you have to do. Quitting your job right away and starting your business is the answer. You need a few days to properly plan this out and think this through before sending in your resignation letter, but at least now you know what needs to be done.

Fast Forwarding: Great for Decisions where there is Fear

The beauty of the fast forwarding method is that it’s a simple thought experiment that lets you instantly “see” the realities of each option over time. This helps you to recognize if an option will lead you to where you want to be or if it will simply lead you to a dead end, rather than wait till one, two, three years later to realize this (and in turn waste that precious time).

Upon “seeing” the outcomes, you get the answer to your question, thereby ending the decision making dilemma.

I’ve found this method to be most effective in situations where one is fearful of taking action or where one is too settled in his/her comfort zone (to make a change). Sometimes, the fear of not realizing our dreams can be a great driving force to “push” us out of our comfort zones and offset whatever fear we might be facing in other areas.

Method #2: Ideal Vision

Albert Einstein once said: “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” If you want to break out of your current problem, you need to adopt a different frame of mind – the mind of someone who has achieved your ideal vision. This is what I call the Ideal Vision Method.

Exercise #2: Apply the Ideal Vision Method

Consider a decision you are facing right now. (You can use the same situation as the previous exercise.)

1. Think about your ideal vision with respect to this area of your life.
2. Imagine you are living in your ideal vision right now. What would the You in your ideal vision do in this scenario?

Example #2: Ideal Vision in Action

Let’s say your good friend is starting a new business and he invites you to join him as a partner.

His proposal puts you in a fix. Your friend is highly intelligent. You know this business venture will definitely take off. You respect him a great deal and you know this will be a great opportunity to learn from him and tap into his networks. It’s an honor that he is inviting you to join him.

However, you are in the middle of starting your own business at the moment. This is based on an idea you’re very passionate about and you’ve been meaning to do this for a long time.

You know that either of the ventures will take up a considerable amount of your time and it’ll be tough to manage both ventures at the same time.

Using the Ideal Vision Method, first create your ideal vision in the area of career and business. As it turns out, your vision is to turn your passion into your career. You want your business to be renowned in its industry. You also want to earn a substantial income from your business every month, which you know is a natural consequence of being really good in what you do.

As the You in your ideal vision, it becomes clear that you have to reject your friend and focus all your efforts on starting your business.

While the opportunity with your friend looks tempting from the present perspective, you realize from your ideal vision that it’s only going to divert your attention from realizing your passion.  You know that success, learning opportunities, and business networks are all things that will come your way as you work on your passion project.

Ideal Vision: Crucial in Removing Faulty Thinking

The interesting thing about the Ideal Vision Method is that the answer you get is probably dramatically different than what might seem sensible from your current perspective. Yet, that doesn’t make it any less true though.

Many times, we are not able to break out of our problems because we approach them with faulty lenses. The issue here is that these faulty lenses is the precise cause of our problems. Approaching our problems with these faulty lenses will only perpetuate our problems due to the faulty solutions we come up with. In the end, we dig ourselves deeper and deeper into our problems, going nowhere but downward.

The Ideal Vision Method prevents you from making circular decisions. When you approach your decision from your ideal vision, you remove yourself from your faulty lenses, faulty beliefs, and faulty thinking. You adopt the mindset of someone who has already solved the problem; who is in a heightened state of consciousness; who knows what it takes to achieve your ideal outcome. This clarity is paramount to break out of your problems – permanently.

Method #3: Listen To Your Heart

The last method, the Heart Method, taps into a fundamental core of what makes us, us – our hearts. You can also think of this as listening to your gut or intuition.

Exercise #3: Apply the Heart Method

Consider a decision you are facing right now. (You can use the same situation as the previous exercise.)

Now, close your eyes. Clear your mind. Think about nothing but this particular decision you are facing.

Listen to your heart. What is your heart telling you? What is it gravitating toward? That’s your answer.

Example #3: Heart Method in Action

Let’s say you have a friend, B, who betrayed you before. You have been unable to forgive him for that incident. Because of that, both of you split ways since three years ago.

About a year ago, he tried to reach out to you. You ignored his correspondence because you are still not able to forgive him.

Recently, something came up which you need his help for, because of his background in the subject matter. There are two paths you can take here: Reconnect with him or seek help somewhere else.

It’s not necessary for you to reconnect with him because there are other people you can approach; plus it’ll be awkward to talk to him again after all these years. Not only that, you still feel resentful for what he has done and it makes you feel annoyed to have to approach him. Logically, it seems that you should just approach someone else.

As you listen to your heart, it tells you that you should just put this resentment behind you and reach out to him. Not because you need his help, but because holding on to the resentment is silly. You are hurting nobody but yourself. He has reached out to you before, which means he has already taken the first step; yet you are still being an *ss by refusing to accept his connection.

Your heart also says that your connections in life are more important than any motivations or agendas you might have. Love, not hatred, not fear, is the key to living a happy life. You can go about living your daily life as if none of this (baggage surrounding your friend) is relevant to you, but it does not deny the fact that you are still resentful toward him and you are denying a connection with him because of that. This resentment that you carry around you is only making you a weary soul. It pulls you down; it doesn’t lift you up.

Forgive him and reconnect with him, not for him, but for yourself. For the salvation of your soul. Love him as you would to yourself. Stop viewing him with tainted glasses. Give him a fresh chance. This is the answer your heart gives you. Subsequently, you realize what you need to do now.

Our Hearts Act as Compasses for Our Lives

I think our hearts are incredible compasses for our lives. Somehow, they have the answer to problems we are facing, even when our logical minds have not caught up on the situations yet. When honed over time, they can be incredible decision making tools – even more powerful than logic.

I’ve found that the decisions I’ve made using my heart have turned out to be highly astute, even though there might not be specific data backing up my thoughts at those times. Over the years, I’ve learned to rely more and more on my gut feeling, and less and less on other factors. I still use the logical mind for many situations, but at the end I leave it to my heart to decide what I should do.

For those of you who are in computing, IT, engineering, or very logic-centered jobs, the idea of listening to your heart might be hard to grasp. The concept of emotions might be very abstract of you. In fact, you probably experience them as a giant blob, rather than individual feelings. That tends to happen if you’re not very emotionally aware.

Emotional awareness is something that can be built up though. Just like the neural connections in your brain that strengthen whenever you recall something, your connection with your heart strengthens when you consult it more regularly. Be aware of how it feels with every situation you are in. Involve it more regularly in your decision making.

While at first it might not give you much insight on your decisions, over time you will find that there are times when your heart gravitates more strongly toward an option than another. Soon, you will see how it’s a more powerful decision making method than logic-based approaches. It seems to have a way of knowing what will work and what will not work, even before your brain catches up.

Putting it Together

Using any of the three methods above should give you a clear answer on what you need to do. Sometimes it’s possible that one method gives you a fuzzy answer. If that’s the case, use any of the other two methods and the answer should unveil itself.

With respect to my past dilemma surrounding whether to quit my job or stay on for another one to two years, the reason why the dilemma even came up in the first place was because I was no longer happy doing something that wasn’t my passion. My heart was calling out to me to do something about the situation. When I considered my ideal vision, it seemed as though either option could work out fine.

It was ultimately the fast forwarding method that sealed the deal. When I fast forwarded to the future, it was immediately clear to me that I should just quit and work on my passion right away than prolong it any further.

If you use all three methods and get the same answer, then that’s a clear sign that you are on the right track.

I haven’t had a situation where my answers conflict with one another. They usually point to the same general direction. I don’t think it’s possible to get very conflicting answers here because these three methods are ultimately meant to lead to the same place – your ideal life.

Reviewing Your Decision

Ultimately, your decision should satisfy certain criteria. Ask yourself:

1. Will this decision bring me closer to my ideal life? (It should; otherwise why are you even making this decision?)
2. Will it make me happy? (Your decision should make you happy. If it represses you and makes you unhappy, then you’re sort of missing the point. Life isn’t about being unhappy. It’s about doing what you love and enjoying it every step of the way.)
3. If I don’t do this, will I regret it in the future? (A good decision shouldn’t cause you to experience regret. I always think it’s better to do something that you’re unsure of and see how it turns out, than to avoid it and wonder what could have been. At least with the first path, I know I did my best and I have no regrets.)

If you get a “yes” on the first two questions and a “maybe” or “yes” on the third, then you’re on the right track.

Rounding Up

Sometimes, you might get an answer that you don’t like from one of the three methods above. It’s possible that it’s not something you want to take on right away. It’s possible that it’s not even something you want to think about.

There are times when I get answers which I don’t like. However, it doesn’t change the fact that there is some truth behind them. Actually, a lot of truth.

I’ve found, from experience, that it’s only when I stop running and start embracing the truth that I really begin to resolve my problems. As I mentioned above, faulty thinking leads to faulty solutions, which perpetuates our problems. To solve our problems, we need to approach them from a different place.

I hope you’ve found this article useful. What you decide to do is up to you and it’s your decision to make. I wish you all the best.

Escape from No-Man’s-Land

Transition is the no-man’s-land of “in between” where old hangs on while new is not yet. But, nothing really works.

Temptation:

The temptation of transition is going back. The pain that drove you to change in the first place doesn’t seem so bad, anymore. At the same time, painful uncertainties about the future rise like dragons from the mist.

New dream:

New dreams are conceived in a present that isn’t working. Products are outdated. Systems fail. The world changed but you didn’t. Or, you changed but your world didn’t.

Dreams are lights, emerging. They’re invitations without substance. They glide in our thoughts and fly on our feelings.

Dreams inspire us to pursue something new. They create transition moments. People and organizations that successfully navigate transitions – and life is filled with them – thrive. The inability to transition is like living in a dream where you’re running but can’t get away.

Stuck:

You feel stuck because new dreams crawl before they run but in the old world you already ran.

New competencies:

Current competencies are about the past but dreams are about the future. Dreams require new, unproven competencies.

1. Remember the pain.
2. Trust your passion to serve in new ways.
3. Experiment. Say, “What about?”
4. Live with uncertainty, for the moment.
5. Consider mistakes and setbacks as new starting points.
6. Talk with those who have navigated transitions.
7. Reflect on your future.
8. Read.
9. Rest.

The Disaster of Big Mouths and Small Ears

Leaders fail when their mouths are too big and their ears are too small. Listening is powerful because it informs talking. The only way leaders know what to say is to listen.

Great leadership is great listening.

On a recent drive with a young leader I noticed how he’s learned to talk less and listen more. He’s able to hold his tongue, something few can do. I admire his growth.

Talking vs. Listening:

I’ve only met a handful of great listeners in my life. Typically, talking invigorates; listening exhausts.

Why so much talking:

Too much talking is the result of too little listening. People who don’t feel heard frequently talk more. Admittedly, some clam up. But, those with passion usually talk more.

The less you feel heard the more you need to talk.

The moment someone feels understood their need to talk, explain, or defend diminishes.

Goal of listening:

The goal of listening only begins with understanding; it ends with making others feel understood.

The first step toward exceptional listening is embracing silence. Just stop talking. Once you’re comfortable with silence you can step toward making others feel understood. Silence isn’t enough.

Acceptance:

Acceptance makes people feel understood. The reason we don’t extend acceptance is because we’re afraid it means approval. We’re stingy with approval.

Listening to judge rather than understand
makes people feel judged.

Learn to extend acceptance with your tone, facial expressions, and questions. You earn the right to challenge an idea after you understand and accept it. Ask how might this work rather than explaining why it won’t, for example.

Seriously:

Take the comments of others seriously and they’ll get serious about what they say. Dismissing suggestions, off handedly, invites adversarial interactions.

Benefit:

Making people feel understood opens hearts and minds. If you want people to listen to you, listen to them.

The Top 4 Qualities of Successful Leaders

You can’t lead when you know too much.

Education establishes barriers to thinking. Everything that comes your way is instantly judged by what you know. In some cases the less you know the more open you are.

People with knowledge say things like, “We can’t do that because…”

Another reason you can’t lead is too much experience.

You’ve been doing your job for years. You say things like, “We’ve always done it this way.” People with experience resist change.

Knowledge and experience hold leaders back when they result in closed minds.

Three qualities:

New worlds antiquate old worlds. Turbulence, new regulations, cultural shifts, and technological advancements make old knowledge and past experience less relevant. During changing times leaders must possess three qualities, in this order:

1. Character.
2. Curiosity.
3. Courage.

Character is acting in harmony with who we are and in alignment with noble virtues.

Curiosity is the ability to withhold judgment long enough to consider alternatives. Experience and education often block curiosity.

In a changing world the ability to ask questions is more powerful than making statements.

Courage is willingness to act boldly and decisively while taking responsibility.

The fourth quality:

In a world full of “can’t do’s” successful leaders ask, “What can we do?” Bright futures are built with action; bleak with inaction.

This morning I’m remembering all the “good” reasons I gave for doing nothing. At the time it seemed wise and right. Looking back it was foolish and pathetic. It took me years to learn that action, no matter how small, is better than inaction.

You may be courageous but apart from action you might as well be a coward.