I Made a Mistake

I called a person to confront an awkward leadership blunder.

Mistakes aren’t the issue; what you do with them is.

8 wrong approaches to mistakes that matter:

1. Mad Monkey approach: Jumping around making loud noises and pointing fingers.
2. Chicken approach: Brooding. Let’s sit on these eggs until something ugly hatches.
3. Possum approach: Let’s play dead. Maybe they’ll go away.
4. Squirrel on Steroids approach: Trying harder and harder without adapting.
5. Lounging Cat approach: It’s not that bad, someone will deal with it.
6. Tiger approach: Attack.
7. Weasel approach: Blame.
8. Sloth approach: We’ll deal with this later.

Tough conversations are tough, but necessary.
Sooner is better than later with mistakes that matter.

Before confronting mistakes:

1. Clarify. Get the facts. What really happened?
2. Deal with emotion. Never confront while you’re mad, hurt, or pointing fingers.
3. Plan the conversation. Write down main points. Confrontation almost never goes as planned but plan anyway.
4. Determine desired behavioral results. What needs done?
5. Establish emotional outcomes. How do you want people to feel when you’re done?

Attitude toward mistakes:

Pursue better.

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” James Joyce.
Seek better, rather than perfect. Arrival is a myth. “You don’t have to go all the way to bright, just make things better.” Doug Conant, author of TouchPoints.

Four words that changed everything:

I called to deal with a leadership mistake. The first thing out of their mouth was, “I made a mistake.” Boom! Everything shifts.
Futures emerge after mistakes are owned, not until. Mistakes anchor life in the past until you say, “I screwed up.”

You look strong when you own mistakes.

Tip: Own it; never excuse it.

The Price of Vanity

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like what you see?
Sometimes when we look in the mirror, we view the things that no one else can see. The blemish that's so minuscule that no one would notice it, unless we pointed it out; the few extra pounds that we still haven't worked off from the holidays or the small lines on our forehead that to us, tell a story, but to our friends are relatively unsuspecting. But what else do we view that no one else can see when we look deeper past our looks on the outside? Do we see the hurt caused by an ex-boyfriend who took advantage of us? Or do we view the angry words exchanged between friends after a few too many late night cocktails? Upon further look, do we see the years of torture we've put ourselves through to try and achieve our goals, however still feeling as if we haven't lived up to the expectations we have put upon ourselves? The things that we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror tell a completely different story than what others see, and they lead us to some very drastic conclusions.
One of the best portrayals of human vanity is Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray, a book that details a man's attractiveness through a portrait painted of him by a very accomplished artist. A deal is made in that Dorian will never age from when the picture was painted; instead, the portrait will age and he will stay his youthful, effervescent self. Over the years, Dorian's peers are amazed at how well he has kept his appearance, while the portrait upstairs, tucked away in the attic, has become a haggard mess. Taking on all of the betrayal, misdoings and dirty dealings that Dorian has amounted over time, the painting has now become that, not of a handsome young man, but that of a monster while Dorain's image hasn't changed a bit. I don't need to tell you how this one ends -- because it's quite clear that Dorian's vanity ended up getting the best of him, however this timeless tale still rings true today -- in a society that is so focused on the outside that we often forget what's going on inside of us.

I did a small inventory of how much money I spent on bettering my outside appearance in one year and was shocked at the results. At one point, I got bi-weekly facials to help make sure my skin looking vibrant and healthy. I also spent an upwards of $100 a month on face wash, cover-up (hey, us guys need it too), blemish remover and night cream. I spent over $100 a month on a gym membership to make sure that I kept my fitness in check. Pair that with my on-again-off-again trainer and add another $100 to the bill. Then there's the tanning, the nutritionists, new clothes for "special" occasions, and occasional visit to the dermatologist for a chemical peel or few shots of Botox and we've got a serious list of what many would call unnecessary expenses that I most certainly didn't need, but purchased because I thought it was going to make me feel better. Turns out, that only thing that felt anything was my pocketbook.
When we are dumped by a partner or have a bad day, chances are the first order of personal reflection taken is: "How can I make myself look better?" Our first instincts are always to better our outside appearances so that we will be more appealing to others. It's almost as if we never learned our lesson from Dorian all those years ago. If there is something that is going on that is making us unattractive to the ones we love, chances are, it's most likely not happening on the inside. Looks change, and eventually we all lose them to age, however, the people who really love us -- the ones who stick it out through thick and thin, are most likely less concerned about what we look like on the outside and more focused on our personality, our generosity and our drive. I can pretty much guarantee that when I see my mother, she's more concerned about how I am feeling on the inside than what I look like. Having said that, after taking inventory on my excessive expenses for my appearance, I began to net out how much money I have spent on bettering my inside. Last year, I never saw a therapist, I spent very little on cultural events and did not attend one charity fundraiser -- something I used to be very interested in. The amount of money I had spent on bettering my looks eclipsed any amount of money I could have ever imagined spending on bettering myself as a person.
It's human nature to want to indulge if we are feeling bad about ourselves, but after checking my financials on how much I had "bettered" myself in the past year, I began to really question how much better off I was after the extravagant purchases. I'm still single, I still have the same insecurities I had last year and I haven't made a ton of new friends -- so what have I gained in this process? Nothing much other than a clearly smoother forehead and a few less bags under my eyes, but I am not any more or less happy than I was at this time last year. Then I began to think of my friends and how they made themselves feel better and was all too quickly reminded that they have a very similar regime as I do. When you think about it, our entire society is consumed with vanity. The magazine spreads of models looking absolutely flawless in front of a seaside backdrop of the hunky guy flexing his muscles for a men's health magazine -- all of these people are designed to make us want more -- more time at the gym, more Botox, more make-up -- and all of these things cost money. It's very rare that anyone featured in any of these magazines makes comments about not being happy or unsatisfied with life. Of course they're happy! They're flawless -- what the hell do they have to be sad about?
After years of trying to better myself through beauty, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to make myself feel better is to be a better person. This doesn't mean going out and single-handedly trying to save the world. This means, trying to be a better friend and boyfriend, trying to help someone else when they need it and least expect it and being a good son and uncle -- and guess what -- none of those things cost any money at all. And while I will always try to keep my outside looking as good as I possibly can, I can't help but think of poor Dorian and how his greed and vanity overcame him. Next time you look in the mirror and see what you want to see, think about how much it would really cost you to upgrade how you feel. Chances are, it's a lot less expensive than you think.

culled from Mark Brennan

5 Steps to Controlling Your Anger 

Most of us get angry at times -- often over things that on reflection seem trivial. But if you are feeling frustrated often, yelling at your partner, criticizing your colleagues and friends, blowing your horn in traffic, throwing things around the house, then you might want to take your anger seriously and do something about it. Over the many years that I have been seeing patients, I can tell you that very few people come in and say, "I have a problem with my anger." They might say, "My husband -- or wife -- thinks I have a problem," or "My boss thinks I have a problem." Or, in a few cases, "I was arrested and anger management was part of my plea bargain." So, owning up to the problem may be the first step. And it may be hard to do.

1. Let's distinguish between feeling angry and being hostile. Your emotion -- anger -- can be a private event that only you know about. You can stand in line impatiently, feeling frustrated and just feel really angry. But you say nothing and you do nothing. Or you can start yelling at the other people in the line and let everyone in your immediate range know you are angry. When you act on your anger by yelling, criticizing, threatening, or expressing sarcasm, you are being hostile. It's your hostility that will get you into trouble. Keep in mind that you don't have to act out your feelings. As simple as this observation may seem, it is important. It helps you recognize that you have a choice as to what you do.
2. What are the costs and benefits of being hostile? Ask yourself what the consequences have been for you and the people around you. Have you lost friends, upset your partner and your kids, gained a reputation as a difficult person? Anger can increase your blood pressure and risk of heart disease. But anger may also have benefits -- at least you might think so. You might think that people will take you seriously, you will feel good about standing up for yourself, and your anger might motivate you. Look at the tradeoffs. Would you recommend that your friends become more angry? Why not?
3. Take a step back. You can pull away -- even for a minute or two -- to think things through. You don't have to respond immediately. Think it out -- what are the consequences of being hostile? Is it worth it? Can you just let it go and accept it as a "bump in the road" as opposed to a challenge to a duel?
4. What are you telling yourself that makes you so angry? You can make yourself even more angry when you take things personally, interpret other people's behavior as intentionally provocative, view an inconvenience as if it were a catastrophe, or label the other person as a bad person. Examine your thoughts and ask yourself if this event is worth getting angry over. Ask yourself if the other person is just doing what they do -- but not singling you out. Ask yourself if it might be worth accepting that people don't always live up to your expectations -- but you don't have to upset yourself about it.
5. Do you have a rulebook that makes you even more angry? You may have a list of "shoulds" about how other people should act -- and these infuriate you when people don't follow your rules. Examples are "they should drive faster," "this line should move faster," "people should always be polite and respectful," "everything should be fair," and "people shouldn't disagree with me." What if you dropped the rulebook and simply observed that the world is the way it is and wasn't built for your rules?

Keep a record of the situations that lead to your anger and your hostility. Keep track of your thoughts and try to use these ideas. You might find yourself less angry -- and less anxious -- and the people who care about you will appreciate your progress. You can control your anger rather than let it control you.
By Robert Leahy, Ph.D.

 

Even Whiners Can Lead

Whiners are potential leaders. But, pessimists can’t lead.
Leader as whiner:

1. Progress could be faster.
2. Quality could be better.
3. Team mates could give more.
4. Organizations aren’t meeting needs.
5. Structures block rather than energize success.

The line between whiner and leader is optimism.

Whiners become leaders when they press through "problem finding to problem solving."
The real anchor:
It’s easier for whiners to blame than take responsibility.

Whiners are blamers.
Blamers can’t lead.

The next time you hear yourself whining, take responsibility. Stop complaining about what others aren’t doing. Do something yourself.

Whining identifies potential improvements.

From whining to leading:

1. Talk less. Whiners talk too much and do too little. Talking apart from action centers on problems. Talking during action focuses on solutions. “How can we fix this” is better than “Here’s why it can’t be done.”
2. Solve what you can. Postpone the rest. A whiner who can’t postpone or prioritize is an overwhelmed whiner. Everything’s bad.
3. Feeling powerless is a self-imposed myth. You can always do something.
   
4. Plan for the worst. Contingency plans are a pessimist’s gift.
5. Consistently ask, “What’s next?”
6. Move from “What if?” to “We could.”
7. Listen to optimists. Don’t reject optimists because you believe they don’t see the whole picture. You don’t either.
8. Admit shooting things down isn’t a virtue.
9. Substitute lifting up for drag down. Your negativity makes others negative. Welcome to the dark work environment you created. Ask yourself, “How am I making others feel?”
10. Ask, “Where does whining take me?” When it’s a good place, go with it.

Great leaders whine with optimism.

Leaders do more than point out wrongs. They step toward remedies.
I’m a huge fan of whiners who work toward solutions. Beware of whiners who don’t find solutions. They’re destructive anchors.

10 Ways to “Deal With” Quiet People

Outgoing people have advantages in Western Culture. We’re often perceived to be smarter and stronger than quiet people, at least at first. One of my fatal leadership blunders was underestimating quiet people.

Big mouths don’t guarantee great leadership.

Quiet doesn’t equal:

1. Weak.
2. Push over.
3. Soft.
4. Stupid.
5. Detached.
6. Uncaring.
7. Untalented.

Never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong.

Danger:
Never assume silence is consent, when it comes to quiet people. Quick to speak, often means quick to commit. Slow to speak, often indicates need for more time and information before committing.
Don’t push quiet people too far, too fast. Respect their room.

Talkers want to talk it out. Quiet people enjoy thinking it out.

Occasionally, quiet indicates arrogant control freak. They won’t share information. They disagree but won’t say. Talkers do this, too. An ancient proverb says the one who withdraws wants his own way. Think two year old.
Leveraging quiet strength:

1. Honor their strengths. Never say, “Oh, they’re quiet,” like it’s a disease.
2. Respect their ability to commit. When they’re in, they’re really in.
3. Give them prep time. Don’t spring things on them.
4. Don’t assume silence is disagreement or consent. Just don’t assume.
5. Enjoy silence. Give them space by closing your mouth.
6. Ask questions, after you’ve given them think-time.
7. Invite feedback one-on-one rather than in groups.
8. Walk with them after meetings and ask, “What’s going through your mind?” The walking part is important.
9. Create quiet environments. Quiet people often enjoy quiet places.
10. Let them work alone. Stop demanding group work.

Believing You Can When You Can’t

Some singers only think they can sing. Tell them they can’t and you have a hearing problem.
Believing you can when you can’t frustrates others and hinders you. Some leaders only believe they can lead.

Deadly weaknesses masquerade as strength.

What if you’re not really great at:

1. Delegating.
2. Organizing.
3. Motivating.
4. Encouraging.
5. Negotiating.
6. Public speaking.
7. Running meetings.

What if the issue is you, not them? Feels awkward doesn’t it?
When you believe you can when you can’t:

1. Issues, faults, and failures become their issues, not yours. The problem is their ears not your glorious voice.
2. Better is enough. “If you knew how I led meetings in the past, you’d stop complaining about how I lead them now.”
3. Improvement stops. Why would you improve your speaking skills when you are a great speaker already? What’s been attained is never improved.
4. Talking is skill. During a recent leadership meeting we discussed the importance of delegating authority rather than tasks. Delegating tasks creates followers. Delegating authority creates leaders. However, in the next breath we delegated tasks. I thought I was good at delegating because I talked the concepts. In reality, I hadn’t adequately defined scope of authority or vision. I ended up delegating tasks.

New Assumption:

You haven’t arrived just yet.
There’s further to go than you think.

1. Listen to and believe feedback that points to frailties.
2. Stop excusing and explaining. Remove, “That’s because,” and, “They don’t understand,” from your language.
3. Develop skills diligently and persistently.

The Five Powers of Permission

Old styles of leadership are about giving permission to supplicants. Followers seek permission. It’s an “I/you” rather than “we” dynamic. Leaders have power while followers ask.
I/you leadership is disengaging and disempowering.
Successful leaders do more than give permission, they get it. Permission answers the question, “Is it ok with you if we talk about something?”
Five Powers of Permission:

1.  “May I …” builds trust.
2. “Would it be ok if …” shares power.
3. “Do you mind if …” equalizes social status.
4. “Could we discuss…” prevents stagnation. Permission moves the agenda forward when topics are awkward.
5. “Is it ok with you, if…” engages.

Permission opens doors, protects relationships, and prevents stagnation.

Ask permission to:

1. Bring up uncomfortable topics. Set a date for the conversation.
2. Explore progress.
3. Correct. “May I …”
4. Challenge.
5. Give feedback.
6. Say what you see. “Is it ok if I share something I see …”

Four responses to NO:
When permission isn’t granted? Ask:

1. How business-critical is the topic?
2. Is there a deeper issue to address?
3. Can you let it go?
4. Must you address it, regardless?

When topics are mission critical, say, “We need to talk about this soon.”
Just a courtesy:
Isn’t asking permission just social courtesy? Yes, sometimes it is. But, social courtesies smooth and protect. Perhaps you prefer to be discourteous and abrasive?
Four reasons leaders don’t ask permission:

1. Arrogance. It’s too humbling to ask and too easy to tell.
2. Fear of seeming weak.
3. Fear of losing power.
4. Authoritarian rather than relational leadership styles.

What does permission-leadership look like in your world?